Newcastle: you’re not big and you’re not clever

Posted by - September 14, 2008 - Newcastle United

It’s a bit too early in the season for his beloved Bolton to be officially considered to be in the midst of a relegation dogfight, so guest columnist Mof Gimmers currently has the will-power to show the fans of other teams the error of their ways. Here are a few home truths for the Toon Army.

The Western World is a place that’s built on protests. The French famously hacked up the monarchs to give rise to the Republic after being sick to the back teeth with the lavish lives of those in power. Throughout history, people have kicked out against The Man because, as the Super Furry Animals rightly pointed out, The Man Don’t Give A Fuck. However, what about the recent revolt seen in the North East of England at the moment.

Newcastle fans are appalled by The Cock-er-ney Mafia and want them out. They’re sickened by the treatment by these know-nowt Londoners, coming up ‘ere and throwing their weight around. Newcastle is a big club with a rich heritage that can’t be meddled with. They’re not so much a football club, more, a republic all of their own.

Of course, that’s complete bunkum. Fact is, Newcastle’s view of themselves differs wildly from the rest of the world. While there is no questioning that Newcastle are a well supported club, that doesn’t actually make them a Big Club. Fact is, The Magpies haven’t won a major trophy for years. Everyone knows that though don’t they? Newcastle are in the dubious band of teams who think they’re big because they talk big. This band of brothers includes Manchester City (who may well be turning the corner by their sudden change of fortune), Spurs and West Ham (who, according to them, won the World Cup all by themselves and you should never, ever forget it). However, there’s only Newcastle fans who protest against having money, security and big name players signing up for them, consistently high gates…

I’m aware that it might be a minority of the fans who are ranting and raving about the departure of Keggy Keegle and I’m also reminded of the old adage that the shallowest part of the stream makes the loudest noise, but on the evidence of the weekend, it seems that the shallowest part of the stream is spread wide and thin. Now, as a football fan, I understand how infuriating supporting your club can be. However, when you look at the way some football clubs have disappeared or been on the brink of the void, Newcastle fans have had it pretty bloody good – and it’s still not good enough for them.

Regardless of whether Mike Ashley and Dennis Wise should have tinkered with the way Keegan ran his team, at least they’ve had an English chairman, a team in a stable financial position. It’s worth pointing out that Ashley’s statement about selling the club, he notes his £244million put into the club.

That money may not have bought a title or a cup, but it has ensured that Newcastle fans have a team to support. I think a lot of the Geordie Nation (officially the most irritating footballing term in the past decade) have shown just how spoiled they are. If anyone has something to really complain about at the moment, it’s West Ham. They’ve got a manager who legged it thanks to ‘tinkering’ from the board, no sponsor… but do they stay-away? Do they have a huge public hissy-fit worthy of Veruca Salt? Do they fuck. They stick by their team and understand that football is a cruel mistress that’s their to be enjoyed for the ridiculous spectacle that it is.

I’m so annoyed by the Newcastle fans that I’ve ended up sticking up for West Ham. And I hate West Ham. Fact is, the next chairman will be greeted with open arms and there’s no man alive who can take the manager job AND appease the fans. Apart from Shearer. And even Alan Shearer knows what a thankless task managing Newcastle is.

You can find Mof peddling his cyber wares at Electric Roulette, TV Scoop and Bayraider.