We shorten Niall Quinn’s shortlist for him
1. Roy Keane’s dog
Think about it, who does Roy Keane turn to in times of crisis for comfort and advice? Exactly – Triggs the dog. And there can be no better candidate for keeping a group of indisciplined Black Cats in check than a dog.
2. Theo Walcott
The real problem was that Keane was not young or inexperienced enough. He hadn’t played in the Premier League since 2005. How could he possibly know what the modern game is all about? That is where young Theo comes in. He is at the cutting edge. He is the future.
3. Alan Shearer
Appointing Shearer would halve the number of songs available to Sunderland’s fierce rivals at St James’ Park and prevent the rest of us from listening to his in-depth analysis (of insomnia cures) on Match of the Day.
4. Kevin Phillips
In Sunderland’s good old days, if ever there was an opportunity available Niall Quinn used to lay it on a plate for Kevin Phillips. Why change the habit of a lifetime?
5. Thaksin Shinawatra
Rumour has it Sunderland are considering appointing someone from a position of power in Thailand. Shinawatra has recent Premier League experience and a human rights record not dissimilar to Keane’s.