ATTN: Rafael Benitez, The Most Expensive House in the Wirral. Merseyside. CH46 1RB.
Subject: NOTICE OF CHANGE TO EMPLOYMENT CONTRACT.
As agreed in our discussion of Monday 19th March, 2009, the following changes in your employment contract will take effect on 1st April 2009.
Details of change: Contract dated 01/07/2004 – Clauses 2,4, 7a, 12, and 23c.
The Employer: Liverpool Football Club, Liverpool FC. Anfield Road. Liverpool, Merseyside. L4 OTH
The Employee: Rafael Benitez, The Most Expensive House in the Wirral. Merseyside, CH46 1RB.
Clause 2: Job description. Current: The employee’s job title is: Manager. New: The employee’s title is: Emperor.
Summary of changes: Under the new contract arrangement, the employee will assume complete and unquestionable control over all matters regarding to the business, future and finances of Liverpool Football Club (LFC), both on and off the field. Player recruitment, boardroom appointments, pre-season tours, colour of playing kit (Home, Away and Third), office wallpaper, car park space allocation, stadium design, disciplinary procedure, canteen menu and identity of broadband provider are all at the sole discretion of the employee.
Clause 4. Sickness entitlement. The employer will receive full salary for an unlimited amount of time due to sickness caused by kidney stones and/or injuries caused by excessive and animated hand waving.
Clause 7a. Status of chief executive. LFC’s current chief executive, Richard Parry, will be immediately stripped of all privileges related to the office. Those include club mobile phone, director’s box access and subsidised treatments at Pam’s Perm Palace. Mr Parry will be allowed paid entry to the stadium only on those occasions the employee is in hospital undergoing kidney stone removal surgery.
Clause 12. Jurgen Klinsmann. Any club employee/board member heard to mention the phrases ‘Jurgen’ and/or ‘Klinsmann’ will be instantly dismissed.
Clause 23c. Facts. Current: Facts are objectively provable statements. New: Facts are whatever the employee says they are.
These are the agreed changes to your contract. Please read, sign, and return in the envelope provided, one signed copy of this notice.
Tom Hicks and (reluctantly) George Gillett.
Spotted on Telegraph