1. At no point shall the amount a time per week Mr Keane spends walking his dog exceed the amount of time spent training the squad of Ipswich Town Football Club.
2. The Ipswich Town squad will not consist of more than four failed Manchester United players at any given time during the course of the contract.
3. And if Mr Keane thinks Alex Bruce is a nice starting point for a new tactic of collecting the offspring of his former team-mates, he can think again.
4. Mr Keane will strive to enhance the image of Ipswich Town Football Club, beginning with improving our Google ranking. We said ranking.
5. For crying out loud, Mr Keane will keep that beard off his face and try to avoid turning up for work looking like he is secretly planning a machete attack on the squad.
6. Mr Keane shall not own or be in possession of a machete.
7. Mr Keane shall not use Ipswich Town Football Club press conferences to discuss:
i) Mick McCarthy
ii) The personality of flaws of Mick McCarthy
iii) The professional flaws of Mick McCarthy
iv) The injustice of the fact that Mick McCarthy is managing in the Premier League whilst Mr Keane is in the Championship
8. The contract cannot be broken without prior consent by both parties and appropriate compensation by the party breaking this agreement. So you can’t text us and do a runner, OK?