WANTED: for crimes against dignity and graphic design
Remember how Little Mickey Owen’s people were pimping him around to an elite band of mid-table Premier League clubs with the aid of a 32-page glossy leaflet? Well, that very leaflet has, predictably, found its way onto the internet.
You can view the whole brochure here and we will pick out our favourite bits after the jump.
1. From the front cover you would think that money-grabbing footballers were now bringing out a calendar for every season.
2. Good to know he “may now consider a challenge away from St James’ Park”. Otherwise this whole disastrous exercise would have been a waste of time, right?
3. I wonder if Newcastle were sent a copy of the brochure to show them what they will be missing.
4. Bravo to Wasserman for flagging up the fact that this fit-again, free-scoring ambassador has played 77 per cent of first team games in the last two seasons for a Newcastle side who got relegated, if we remember correctly.
5. Fully translated Italian and Spanish versions? Is memory loss one of his attributes? Clearly not since a couple of pages later the brochure alludes to an “unhappy spell at Real Madrid”.
6. And were it not for that unhappy spell and injuries at Newcastle he “would be spoken about in the same breath as Torres or Ronaldo”. What? As in: “[breath] Michael Owen is nowhere near as good as Torres or Ronaldo [breath]”?
7. The constant references to precisely how young “just 29” is only serve to make you think, ‘actually, 29 is pretty old for a footballer. You’re going to be 30 in six months’.
8. The brainstorm of brand words is just humiliating. How did they think they could get away with having ‘Fit & Healthy’ and ‘Charismatic’ on there at all, let alone on the top row.
9. Charismatic, you say? OTP presents Exhibit A.
10. A reference to say you are not injury prone from a guy who boasts about working with you, Kieron Dyer, Dean Ashton, Craig Bellamy and Damien Duff. Yes…