1. Peter Crouch’s gangly legs are not supposed to be involved in six-yard tap-ins. They were made for bicycle kicks.
2. David Beckham has brown hair, a ginger moustache and a black beard. What is that all about?
3. Twin, dwarf, right-footed wingers is probably not a viable tactical option against decent opposition.
4. If Steve McClaren had finished a match with James Milner at left-back we would be asking questions now.
5. It was really boring for approximately 80 minutes. I don’t think any internet company could have commanded a pay-per-view fee for that.