Mark Lawrenson’s comedy column

Posted by - December 10, 2010 - Predictions, Premier League, Quotes

Lawro Lawro Lawro your boat, down our pedantry stream

Credit where credit is due, Lawro surpassed himself last week, and we couldn’t make more than half a column of nonsense. Maybe it was trying to impress the Prime Minister?

Whatever the reason, the real Lawrenson is back this week:

Aston Villa v West Brom
“These are two teams in completely different form”

Points gained by Aston Villa in their last seven games: 6
Points gained by West Brom in their last seven games: 7

Everton v Wigan
“(Everton) must have got a bit of a blast from David Moyes after being thumped 4-1 by West Brom at home at the end of November but, since then, I think they have got over their own little dip in form.”

Interesting that Lawro describes Everton’s three wins in 15 games as a little dip, or four points from the last 18 available. Even more interesting that he now considers this ‘little blip’ to be over.

One point from one game since the ‘blast from David Moyes’? Not exactly over the hill yet we wouldn’t have thought.

West Ham v Man City
“West Ham looked pretty tight defensively against Sunderland last week”

Number of shots on West Ham goal against Sunderland: 17
Shots on target: 12
Corners conceded: 9

They may only have conceded one (and gained no points) but not sure that means that they were ‘tight’ at the back.

Bolton v Blackburn
“Sam Allardyce is doing the job at Rovers that everyone thought he would and could do and continues to show he is very good at working out how to beat teams”

Everyone except you it seems, Lawro. As this season you have them as winning only four games out of 16 this season, and taking an impressive one point away from home from the 24 available before this weekend.

Wolves v Birmingham
“Mick McCarthy’s men were completely taken apart by Blackburn in their last game”

Shots on target by Blackburn: 7
Shots on target by Wolves: 7

Shots off target by Blackburn: 3
Shots off target by Wolves: 3 (including two shots against the woodwork at 0-0)

Possession for Blackburn: 48%
Possession for Wolves: 52%

Not exactly ripped apart.

Manchester United v Arsenal
“Arsenal are also desperate for Laurent Koscielny to play every game because Sebastien Squillaci is a bit suspect at the moment.”

In the games Laurent Koscielny has played: 16 conceded in 11
In the games Laurent Koscielny hasn’t played: 2 conceded in 5

Arsenal conceded 1.45 goals with Koscielny in the team, and 1.08 goals with Squillaci in the team

Of Arsenal’s five clean sheets in the PL this season, two have been when Squillaci played and Koscielny did not, due to his two red cards so far in the League.

So if you’re looking for a defender to be fit at the moment, make it Johan Djourou, Lawro.

Tottenham v Chelsea
We aren’t even completely exploring the casual racism in the phrase:

“Go back to being an Italian by making his side difficult to beat”

Presumably Carlo has been pretending to be an English country gent over the last few weeks, hence Chelsea’s defeats.