Presumably spurred on by the glut of foreign-based players offering their service to OTP’s adopted side Madron FC, one Englishman abroad has decided to chance his arm and see whether Britain’s worst team could provide his ticket back to the Motherland.
We enjoyed it so much, we have reproduced it in full after the jump.
Hello OTP crew:
My name is Jon-Jon Kershaw (yes, you may refer to me as Jon-Jon).
After listening to the inspiring interviews of coach Alan Davenport and player Jon Spencer on the recent OTP podcasts, I felt it my civic duty to offer my services to Madron FC and the Madronistas (Madron FC fans). I’m an ex-pat Englishman living in the middle of the US of A (Wichita, Kansas). All I need is a plane ticket, a couch to sleep on, tea every night, and perhaps an unlimited supply of pickled-onion crisps (negotiable).
Here are my top 10 reasons why I should have a go.
10. I’ve played football in the South of the US (not to be confused with South America) for many years as a young tyke, as well as three years in England and France. As a striker, I was a top scorer for many years and was referred to as the “Master Blaster” for two reasons: I could score goals and I racked up a heap of gametime on Nintendo’s 8-bit classic of the same name.
9. I am an British citizen so no work visa needed.
8. I have an uncle named Ron and he is in fact very “mad”.
7. I’m 6ft 3in, 220lbs and have medium pace in 10m increments (yes, I threw in the metric system cause that’s how I roll). I could stand to lose 20lbs but if Sol Campbell can do it in the EPL well then I can hide it in the lower echelons.
6. I’ve been told I play like Robinho in my back tracking skills and that my striking prowess is like that of Ibrahimovic plus 10 years, give or take a year or two.
5. I have goal celebrations like that of which you have never seen. Here are a couple examples. The Angelduster & The Pepper Mill. Imagination set free.
4. I have ref’d football matches recently as part of learning all facets of the game.
3. Since 1994 I have virtually played with some of the greats of the game. Rooney, Ronaldo (the real one), Zidane, etc. but when I say virtually I do mean via EA’s FIFA franchise. (I’ve recently branched out to Football Manager so you can say I’m earning my coaching badges in an unconventional way i.e. outside the box thinking)
2. I have a hawk-like sensibility.
1. I score goals, therefore I am.
Hope this helps in your decisions for me joining Madron FC. Please feel free to contact me via fax.
Thanks and “COME ON YOU MAD RONS!”
Jon-Jon “Master Blaster” Kershaw
We will certainly pass on your letter of application to the Madron FC management team, Jon-Jon. And perhaps your Uncle Ron could get a game too? OTP will attempt to facilitate the picked onion crisps to sweeten (or savoury) the deal. We can’t stretch to individual packs so it will be multi-pack Monster Munch.