Trawling the twittersphere for tripe so you don’t have to, our new feature Tweet Stalking Guy is the online equivalent of sitting in the bushes outside a Premier League player’s home and gleefully rustling through their rubbish bins for a full week.
With their profiles set to public – we can safely assume that the upcoming ridicule is fully consensual. Our inaugural victim of choice is serial tweeter Jack Wilshere: a man whose most seductive chat-up lines include: “Get some condoms lol.”
Going out with the family for a meal for my birthday! Bit late but can’t complain cos had a great birthday doing what I love most!
Well we’ve all been there haven’t we – having to postpone our birthday because we’ve spent the day rubbing shoulders with Birmingham’s Liam Ridgewell and trying to avoid becoming the next participant in Lee Bowyer’s growing stamp collection. Happy Birthday, Mr Wilshere.
Evening tweeps! Eastenders is emotional! Are they ever happy on this?
Jack helpfully points out a growing suspicion that characters dealing with teenage pregnancies, a worryingly high murder rate and a dash of baby-swapping tend to get rather down in the dumps. The fictional Albert Square is supposed to be located in London’s East End – home to Avram Grant’s West Ham United. A further explanation for the unmistakable air of misery and depression.
Bring Becks to Arsenal what a great Example he would be for all of us!His professional attitude,ability and experience!love 2 work with him!
This is a fair point from the half pint-sized midfielder. However, the one-man campaign is slightly at odds with Wenger’s recruitment style – given that the chiselled icon is 20 years too old, a holder of a British passport and likely to scupper an unfruitful 50-pass sequence with a dangerous ball into the box. In this sense, Justin Bieber ticks more boxes at the Emirates than David Beckham. Just think of all the shirts the teen sensation would sell too. Admittedly they would be to eight-year-old American girls, but a sale is a sale. Remember, you heard this pathetic transfer rumour here first.
Preparing for the game tonight!
In hindsight, such professionalism before locking horns with Manchester City seems somewhat unnecessary. Good nutrition, important stretches and psychological focus become redundant when the opposition manager parks an air-craft carrier in front of the goal. And when you know that Nigel ‘the Chiropractor’ De Jong is likely to be marking you, it is entirely feasible that Jack’s preparation involved the donning of an NFL helmet and a quick perusal of life insurance documents.
Just had a little trim, hairdressers Micheal, he is a topman and would reccomend him to anyone!
A bit of ‘me’ time for Jack at the barbers – presumably only going to wash that Man City right out of his hair. And who is the mysterious Michael? Could it be Gunners legend Michael Thomas of last-minute league-winning goal fame? Less likely candidates include Michael Essien, Michael Dawson and George Michael. Apart from the failure to state his last name, plug his hair salon or offer any contact details, Jack is more than happy to recommend his hairdresser.
Having dinner cooked for me by @Lneal_x if i dont tweet later tweeps its beacuse iv got food poisoning!!
I take it back! The food was great! Now for some dessert! Waitrose cheesecake!
Nothing more romantic is there? Frantically running around the kitchen cooking for your loved one as they pick up their phone and communicate a food poisoning anxiety to 135,000 people. Unfortunately, Jack didn’t update his Twitter between every bite, but you can’t help feeling he was absolutely desperate to do so: “Hi tweeps. Bite 3: Similar to bite two – the pepper and lime is starting to come through now lol #jackhavingasnack.”
Also of note, a ‘Waitrose’ branded cheesecake – a sickening sign of the huge salaries these young men are on. Coincidently, the pricey food store’s slogan – ‘Quality, honestly priced’ – was lifted from Wenger’s golden rule for the transfer window. Unfortunately for the Frenchman, quality hasn’t been honestly priced in the footballing world for decades – the free transfer of Jermaine Pennant to Stoke City being the exception that proves the rule.
On my way to the game, not playing today tweeps! Gutted but our boss is the best around and he knows what he’s doing! Come on you gooners!
Refreshing humility from Jack. But we have to pull him up on one thing. When it comes to resting players successfully, Wenger is less at ease than Roy Keane receiving a personal yoga class from Mick McCarthy. This time last year, a resurgent run in the Premier League was crushed by Wenger’s decision to cryogenically freeze his best ten players for the fourth round FA Cup game against Stoke City. They lost 3–1 and the hunt for silverware whimpered away once more.
Indeed, such is the cob-webbed nature of Arsenal’s trophy cabinet these last five years, a total of seven new species of arachnid have been discovered there by BBC wildlife crews. Sure, this keeps David Attenborough on his toes but it’s a scant consolation for the fans.
He wouldn’t make the same mistake again though, would he? Nine changes against Leeds yesterday, and a desperate last minute equaliser to save considerable blushes. Ah, maybe not.
Jack, it’s been an emotional journey into your soul – at first glance mundane but on further analysis, a fascinating window into the life of a young Arsenal player enthusiastically lapping up a unique lifestyle… and Waitrose cheesecake.
Join us next Sunday when we’re be casting our virtual night-vision goggles in the direction of another unsuspecting footy tweeter.