Tweet Stalking Guy: #2 Rio Ferdinand
On the Tweet Stalking Guy’s hitlist this week was supposed to be a certain Ryan Babel. For some unknown, unpublicised reason the gangly winger (and part-time Photoshop extraordinaire) went rather quiet on the tweeting front this week.
Alas – like Brad Pitt jumping from Jennifer Aniston to Angelina Jolie – we arguably found a much finer replacement. It is a man who has belched out more tweets into the atmosphere than all baby ducklings in the known universe put together. Boasting more online followers than the population of Nottingham, we place our perverse social-network magnifying glass on the trending king of kings – Rio ‘The Merker’ Ferdinand (@rioferdy5).
By the way I never told howard webb to send gerard off I just said I thought it was a 2footed tackle.
Hmm… not quite sure Rio has wiggled his way out of this one. This flaky statement is the equivalent of a prosecution lawyer saying: “I never told the judge to give the defendant a prison sentence. I just said I thought he was a mass unrelenting serial killer.” Come on Rio, an accusation of a two-footed tackle is most definitely a claim that an early shower and first dibs on the communal shampoo is the only just punishment.
And NO…. we haven’t got diving boards in our pool!! Love a bit of breast stroke….in the pool!!
Rio shouldn’t pooh-pooh the thought of having a diving board at Manchester United’s leisure centre. It may just have played a pivotal role in avoiding Berabtov’s embarrassing FA Cup simulation looking more overplayed than Black Eyed Pea’s ‘I’ve Got a Feeling’. Plus the board would provide a safe learning environment for Nani’s gravity-defying celebration flips. This alternative practice is crucial – it’s common knowledge that Jurgen Klinsmann practiced his innovatively named ‘Klinsmann’ by propelling himself down an Olympic standard bobsleigh course.
WOW!! Name the player who owns this piece of terrible clothing?! http://plixi.com/p/69280583
Fair play, the robust defender has stitched up a colleague nicely here – no doubt screaming ‘‘Merked!’’ at the top of his voice as he uploaded the picture to his 420,000 strong followers. The lip-kissed under-crackers are indeed terrifyingly misjudged, like a last-ditch Gary Neville tackle in fabric form. The next day Rio exposed Anderson as the owner of the garish garment. That said Anderson is nervously teetering on most starting line-ups – how do we know he is not covering for Fergie, Bobby Charlton or indeed – heaven forbid – Malcolm Glazer? I always wondered why Malc was kept out of the public-eye at Old Trafford. I thought it was because he was a socially awkward man who had financially head-butted one of the world’s biggest clubs to their knees – but perhaps now we know the real reason.
I’m in a car being driven home…is it bad of me to let one go?! I don’t think its a smelly one,bland food last couple a days!
Will it soften the blow if I say “sorry mate but I just let a bum sneeze go”!! Sorry tweeps I’m moving off this subject now!! My bad!
Where do we start here? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe it is a traditional role of the England captain to declare to half a million people that he has just ‘bum-sneezed’. Sure, Bobby Moore may have informed Nobby Styles to ‘give the toilet a minute if I were you’, but that would probably be the height of it. As for a poor diet behind the faux-pas flatulence, Rio has previous. Back on Sunday evening – mere hours after the Liverpool encounter – the defender plumped for Nando’s – “a whole chicken, large chips+olives. Laaaarge portions.” I’m pretty certain this is not what the Man Utd nutritionists are specifying to their players for a post-match refuelling nibble. He is likely to get a slap on a podgy wrist if the specialists get wind of this – which they probably will given Rio’s gastric gut.
Drake all kitted out in his Man Utd gear at our training ground…he plays as us on Fifa! Good bunch of guyshttp://plixi.com/p/69901787
Up and coming R’n’B star takes a visit to Manchester United’s fine facilities. You have to hope that he was introduced to Sir Alex Ferguson. The chances of a rap-duel are unlikely, but who can deny that a sample of Fergie’s iconic hair-dryer treatment wouldn’t compliment Drake’s smooth, harmonic vocals. A smattering of smashing tea-cups could also really pep up the singer’s notoriously weak key-change.
Eastenders in 6mins….this baby better get handed over to kat 2day coz this storyline is dragging on like @RobbieSavage8 career!!
As we noted stalking Jack Wilshere last week, Premier League stars really do seem to have a soft-spot for soaps and Eastenders in particular. Perhaps they can personally relate to the constant out-break of pathetic fisticuffs in tasteless pubs and clubs. Rio has to be commended here once more – anyone who takes part in a bit of Savage-bashing is OK by me. Indeed, Rio was particularly mercurial at this nationwide hobby during Friday evening. While most of the country were out having work-drinks, the England skipper was nobly sat at his desktop peppering the bolshy blonde with degrading Photoshopped images – (http://plixi.com/p/70123174) – all good fun and games, of course. I mean, when has that ever got a player in to any trouble anyway?
Mahoooosive game 2mo, can’t wait! 3points is what we want tweeps, I’m focused maaaaaan! Let’s av iiiiiiiiit!!
Rio on the eve of today’s game against Spurs. Ahh, it’s refreshing to see a Premier League player so motivated for a match, freeing his mind of any distractions in his life, presumably lying in bed rehearsing every possible pass and tackle in his mind over and over. Oh – hang on – maybe not, I’ve just clocked an interesting tweet just minutes previous to this one. It slightly dampens the ‘focused’ sentiment somewhat:
Take me out is on….love this show! Since blind date+cilla was taken off our screens I’ve been waiting for a show to take its place. cheers paddy!
Should we be critical here or not? Perhaps suggesting prime-time dating entertainment as a source for mental preparation is a key ingredient of Fergie’s successful management. Sir Alf Ramsey was just the same – ploughing his players with repeated views of Bill and Ben The Flower Pot Men. If it’s not broke don’t fix it. Michael Carrick is also a big fan of the show ‘Take Me Out’. Indeed, he felt a much more intimate interpretation of that programme title when Steven Gerrard decided to introduce his studs to the midfielder’s shins. Not that it was a red card offence, of course. Simply a “2footed tackle”, right Rio?
Well, there it is. It’s been a pleasure to become a stowaway in Rio’s life this week. Clamped on to hips like an unwanted piggyback. I have really enjoyed perusing his daily movements. Among the flatulence updates, the Nando’s cravings, Eastenders obsession and hip-hop shoutouts there is a very likeable chap who uses Twitter more prolifically, sensibly and entertainingly than any other footballer out there.