Cole on fire
Carlton Cole struck a particularly curious figure in a post-match interview on Tuesday night. Speaking after the Carling Cup semi-final first-leg against Birmingham City, the traditionally trigger-unhappy striker was exuding not just an usual slice of confidence, but a considerable amount of smoke or air vapour.
But what was really going on? Is there a simple explanation or – as OTP believes – was there something much more sinister and revealing occurring?
OTP’s Top five theories:
1. We were simply witnessing heat evaporating from Carlton’s highly exerted body into the cold night air.
2. The smoke is actually Cole billowing toxic amounts of carbon dioxide into the stratosphere. We were taught that burning Cole and other fossil fuels was wrong in geography lessons, so this stands up. The fact that the 27-year-old emits pollution so brazenly is a disgrace and an insult to our fragile climate. So, next time your canoeing down the street for your paper or you find a crocodile having a kip in your pond, blame Carlton – not mankind’s self-destructive nature or methane-pumping livestock.
Interestingly, if you play the audio of Barack Obama’s inauguration speech backwards, he actually forewarns the issue, claiming that: “The single greatest threat to the lives of Americans and those around the world is lanky West Ham striker Carlton Cole. Forget Bin Laden, this guy needs stopping first.”
Maybe the coded outcry will go unnoticed by the United Nations, but Cole should at least pay the fixed £200 penalty fine for smoking inside a stadium.
3. The interview took place inside a wind-tunnel. Cole is renowned for his turn of pace and perhaps we can now credit this to his sleek and aerodynamic face. Just watch as the onrushing air serenely flies over his smooth exterior. Indeed, an insider at F1 team Red Bull recently revealed that their 2010 championship-winning car had bodywork that was “fundamentally based on Carlton’s sleek facial structure.” He also said: “Sebastien Vettel couldn’t drive a milk-float until our requested x-rays of Cole’s cheekbones came through from West Ham. We had to give them our back-up driver Frederic Piquionne in exchange. We always thought Freddy looked good in 5-a-side. Our links have been pretty strong with the club since. We’ve just had our fuel specialist Tal Ben Haim back from a loan at the Boleyn Ground.”
4. Cole was thawing out from a cryogenic freezing session. The striker has suffered a series of knee injuries of late and has finally returned to fitness, scoring some important goals in the process. Rumours have been rife that the board have turned to desperate measures to keep Cole off the physio’s table. This is corroborated by an inside source, thought to be a disgruntled kit-man, whose sock-folding techniques and choice of fabric softener had been called into question. He revealed: “The new regime spent a good £2 million on a cryogenic freezer for Carlton. As soon as he comes off the pitch, he is given a few minutes with his girlfriend and a packet of fish-fingers if the club canteen freezer is spilling over, and then he just hops into the chamber.
“I guess it’s just one of the modern-day occupational hazards of being a Premier League football. These boys really earn their money. It was Karen Brady’s brainchild – she got it from The Apprentice production crew – it’s how they keep Lord Sugar ticking over through a 10-week series.”
5. Carlton Cole is a human dry-ice machine. Before his Chelsea career, he was often seen back stage on Stars In Their Eyes and at a whole host of pop concerts – it all makes sense now. Former band-member Rachel Stevens continues to give the forward plaudits for his unique service: “He really gave us that edge, you know? If we needed to set an atmosphere for a performance, we’d just get Carlton on the blower and he’d use his head…quite literally.
“The man is one of the great wonders of the world and he’s actually got a decent voice on him. Not many people know this but he actually did the backing vocals for our smash hit ‘Don’t Stop Moving’. I heard he tried to crack the industry with a reggae-funk vibe with a guy called Avram, but it never took off.”
The truth is out there.