Mark Lawrenson’s comedy column

Posted by - February 18, 2011 - All News, Predictions, Premier League, Quotes

Causing problems, skint, and being in the same boat

99 Problems
From Chelsea v Everton:
“Everton will go to Stamford Bridge and set out to be hard to beat but I cannot see them causing Chelsea any problems.”
Score prediction: 2-1

From Birmingham v Sheffield Wednesday:
“I do think Wednesday will make things uncomfortable for Alex McLeish’s side.”
Score prediction: 2-1

So Everton will score despite not causing any problems at all, whilst Big Eck will feel uncomfortable at the same scoreline?


No money, mo problems
“Because he (Moyes) has had absolutely no money to spend on players recently”

Yes Moyes was unable to buy significantly in the window (although nor did other clubs). But this is a manger who in the last two and a half years has bought: Fellaini – £15m, Heitinga – £7m, Distin – £5m, Bilyaletdinov – £9m and Saha for an undisclosed fee. Close to £50million has been spent in that time period.

Lawro is certainly not alone in his thoughts, but it is an uncomfortable untruth.


Row, row, row your boat
“Stoke are in the same situation as Birmingham in that if they beat a lower division side they will be in the quarter-finals”

“Fulham are in the same boat as Birmingham and Stoke, in that they have to win a home game and then they are in the last-eight of the FA Cup”

Maybe you are struggling to understand cup football Lawro. All the teams are in this boat. If Manchester United, Leyton Orient and West Ham win their home games then they are in the last eight too. And if Arsenal, Sheffield Wednesday, Bolton… oh you know what I mean.


How did that work out?
“Hodgson will have been coaching the Baggies defensively all week and trying to make them more difficult to beat, which is what I think he is good at”

Just the ten defeats in four months of football with Liverpool, so don’t pin your hopes on that defensive coaching.


Porky Pies?
Now we all know that the BBC has a very strict policy on competitions after getting their little botties slapped following accusations of misleading voters.

So I feel it is only right that to inform you that Lawro’s average per week is now 6.8, which means that he should be below the three ‘celebrities’ that have an average of seven. In fact that puts the BBC Sport Football Expert (it says so at the top of his predictions) in 12th place out of the 23 people in the league, behind such stellar names as Kobe Bryant, Len Goodman and Comedy Dave.

What an expert.