Mark Lawrenson’s Comedy Column

Posted by - February 1, 2011 - Predictions, Premier League, Quotes

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

From Everton v Arsenal:

“Everton are unbeaten in five games”

True. But one of these was against Scunthorpe. They have also only won 2 of their last 13 league games. Possibly a more salient piece of information.

Home Sweet Home

From Everton v Arsenal:

 “They (Everton) came close to beating Arsenal at the Emirates last season but I cannot see them getting anything here because of Arsenal’s home form”

Given that Arsenal have dropped as many points at home this season as in the whole of last, and already lost more games at the Emirates, it may be Everton’s deficiencies that are to blame if they don’t pick up anything.

The Taste of Victory

As a Nottingham Forest fan, I don’t think I am unique in wanting my side to win most of the games they play. I can’t remember ever going into a match thinking, “eff it, I don’t care if we get smashed today.” (Not in the Richard Keys way).

From West Brom V Wigan:

“This is an interesting one, because both these sides badly need a win.”

From Bolton v Wolves:

“These are two more teams who are in need of a win.”

I’ll give you a clue Mark, all sides need a win, it’s how points are collected.

Once upon a time

From Birmingham v Man City:

“Not so long ago, Birmingham not so long ago did not get very many goals”

Half expecting a fairy story to follow this. A big bad wolf (Karl Henry) came and ate the children.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

From Birmingham v Man City:

“they (Birmingham) have scored five and let in eight in their last three games”

0 (v Manchester United) + 3 (v West Ham) + 3 (Coventry) = 6

Clear as mud

From Birmingham v Man City:

“It’s clear that being without Scott Dann for the rest of the season is a very big loss to them.”

Record with Scott Dann:               W 7        D 12       L 7           PPG 1.26

Record without Scott Dann:        W 3        D 1          L 1           PPG 2.00

Dressed to Impress

From Fulham v Newcastle:

“I am not really convinced by Newcastle’s form on the road anyway”

Only five teams have more points per game than Newcastle away from home this season, a better away record than Chelsea.

Who knew?

From Liverpool v Stoke City:

“We don’t know whether Anfield will be a Fernando Torres free-zone by the time this game is played.”

Yes we do. You might not have known it at the time, although by the fact that you talk about a £30million bid for Carroll you did, but that does not mean that we won’t know “by the time the game is played”. The game is on Wednesday. It is now Tuesday morning. He has gone. (Update: This has now been changed. Either Lawro’s seen the news or someone’s reading over my shoulder!)

If a job’s worth doing . . .

Now we wouldn’t want to accuse Lawro of a lack of research, but one suspects he hasn’t taken too much notice of Stoke this season. His match preview of Liverpool v Stoke consists of nineteen lines. One and a half of these regards Stoke, and consists of:

“They should beat Stoke at home, though, as long as they deal with the usual threats – long throws and the like”

Tony Pulis will love that kind of demeaning comment.

  • Fsmi0506

    Insane. Your havin your way with this man week in week out. Keep it up its great!

  • Josh

    It may very well appear to be demeaning but do Stoke provide any other form of threat? The decision to sell Tuncay and sign Carew hardly suggests a new era of free flowing attacking football…