Mark Lawrenson’s comedy column

Posted by - March 4, 2011 - Predictions, Premier League, Quotes

Your latest edition of BBC nonsense

Sherlock Holmes
“I cannot see Gunners boss Arsene Wenger playing Cesc Fabregas against Sunderland”

Quote of Arsene Wenger yesterday morning via
“I don’t think he will be involved on Saturday, he has no chance”

I’d say your suspicions are valid Mr. Clouseau.

Danger! Danger!
“I could not understand it (Aston Villa’s selection against Manchester City), because they are not in any real danger in the league.”

Aston Villa sit five points above the drop zone and have one won of their last five games.

Quote from Villa manager Gerard Houllier last week:
“The players are aware of the situation, and it is always dangerous. We need to be honest as we’ve only got 30 points. We’ve got to face reality. Even a team who are on 33 points are not safe as it is very tight this year.”

I’d say clear and present danger, Mark

A model of consistency
“You just cannot be sure what you are going to get from Everton, while Newcastle are far more consistent.”

I almost spat my cornflakes out. Newcastle are far more consistent. Is that the first time that those words have been written down ever?

This is the side that beat Villa 6-0 and lost to Blackpool 0-2 in consecutive home games
This is the side that won 1-0 at Arsenal and lost 5-1 at Bolton in consecutive away games
This is the side that won away at Arsenal and lost at home to Blackburn inside four days
This is the side that have won more than one game in a row on only two occasions this season

Is this consistency?

Every Cole’s a goal
“Then up front they have the likes of Demba Ba and Frederic Piquionne. Both of them look full of goals and full of running at the moment.”

Demba Ba has been full of goals and running, this much I grant you.
But Frederic Piquionne? 0 goals in 6 games Piquionne? 3 goals in 19 games Piquionne?

I am in now way his biggest fan, but someone else probably deserves a name check. 4 goals in 3 games Carlton Cole? 6 goals in 7 games Carlton Cole? 10 goals in 15 games Carlton Cole?

Getting the runs
“Especially with Chelsea looking like they might be going on a run.”

Number of consecutive PL games won by Chelsea: 1
Number of times this season Chelsea have dropped points in the game directly after winning: 6

Lets watch this space shall we, Mark?

A change of heart?
All season Lawro has extolled the virtues of Spurs, declaring that they were well in the title race, and even three weeks ago repeating his claim that they had the best forward line in the country.

But our man has changed his tact, and in textbook Lawro style offers opinion followed by murky reasoning:

Opinion: “I’ve got a feeling Spurs might be the odd ones out in the battle between them, City and Chelsea for a top-four place this season.”

Reasoning: “One of Tottenham’s problems is that I think they will still be in the Champions League after Wednesday night and will have to keep one eye on that.”

I don’t need to tell you that of the three clubs mentioned, the only club that is not 100% guaranteed to be in Europe on Thursday morning is Spurs.

Reasoning: “Tottenham play AC Milan in the Champions League on Wednesday and I think their minds will be on that game.”

Whereas Manchester City travelling 1500 miles to Kiev a day later.

Reasoning: “The difference between them and the other sides in the top five is that the others are capable of playing badly and still getting something on a more regular basis than Harry Redknapp’s team can, at the moment anyway.”

This is a Spurs side that has gained 20 points from losing positions this season.

Points gained in last 8 games:
Spurs 14
Chelsea 14
Man City 12

Points gained in last 5 games:
Spurs 10
Chelsea 10
Man City 5