Mark Lawrenson’s Comedy Column

Posted by - March 19, 2011 - Predictions, Premier League, Quotes

Lawro is back with some classic chat

There was no edition of Mark Lawrenson’s comedy column last week, as the big man had only four FA Cup quarter finals to predict. No worries though, Lawro is back on form this week, with a bumper edition of ineptitude and incompetence. And to lower the pedantry, each one is beautifully titled in a musical style.

So deep breath, here goes…

Eighteen til I die
“He (Torres) hasn’t looked like the player we know he can be for about 18 months now and that’s very, very worrying.”

Whilst it is clear that the guy needs a goal, Lawro’s estimation of 18 months of drought is a little harsh, given that in that time he has scored 34 goals, and in March-April 2010 (11 months ago) he scored ten goals in eight games.

You’ll never work again…
Lawro seems to have lost touch with his favourite club, the Mighty Liverpool. For years they could no wrong. But the tide has turned. Because (and bear with me on this) he has predicted Liverpool to lose for the second time in five games.

That may not seem sensational to you, but it is. Up until he predicted a defeat away to Chelsea (which he got wrong), Lawro has predicted 65 Liverpool games, stretching back to the beginning of last season. This is the complete list of defeats for the club he has predicted in that time:

Spurs 2-0 Liverpool
Liverpool 0-1 Chelsea
Stoke 2-1 Liverpool

In this time, Liverpool have actually lost just the 21 times.

Like a bullet in the gun
“Playing two wingers to feed John Carew, Kenwyne Jones or Ricardo Fuller, Stoke have certainly gained a bit more ammunition of late”

Total number of goals scored by Stoke in their last four league games: 1
Total number of goals scored by John Carew, Ricardo Fuller or Kenwyne Jones in Stoke’s last 16 league games: 1

Take a chance, take a chance
‘They’re (Wolves) good in wide areas and create enough chances – it’s converting those chances into goals that has been their undoing all season.’

Only one other team have created less chances than Wolves in the Premier League.

Wolves finish 13.6% of their chances. More than Chelsea, Spurs and Liverpool.

Every time I look around…
“One thing you can guarantee is goals – every game involving Blackpool has them.”

Apart from their 0-0 this season.

Always look on the bright side of life…
“They (Everton) may sit ninth going into the weekend but only six points separate them from West Ham in 18th”

Six points would also put them one point ahead of Liverpool in sixth.

Your just a jealous guy
“A lot of us have said United haven’t been at their best this season but their fans say we’re just jealous.”

Erm, what? From a straw poll of our office (9 Man United fans, glory-supporting b*stards) not one United fan thinks that United have been at their best. They are at the top of the Premier League because the other teams in the League have dropped more points than before.