I don’t want people thinking I’m an alcoholic
Much like Mario ‘The Little Winker’ Balotelli, the Off The Post podcast routinely has its maturity called into question, has a penchant for pub darts and will never be on Rio Ferdinand’s Christmas card list. We also get an inexplicable rash through somewhat unusual circumstances, but it’s a little delicate to talk about and our audio-ointment is doing the trick for now.
On this edition we make a punt for the Newsnight desk-spot by delivering the following soft-scoops set to rock the global game and international politics as a whole.
In breaking news this week, Joleon/Julian Lescott has a split-personality that is affecting his career, Andy Townsend looks set to go from a Villa strip to the Gaza Strip, Karren Brady gets a kick out of dishonorably discharging her players via half-baked puns and a rampaging, visibly inebriated American with a chainsaw in a crowded area proves to be a surprisingly uplifting watch. And finally… beneath the hair-conditioned gerbil-like exterior of little Kenneth Dalglish, there is a ferocious lion with a strict diet of moaning Frenchman.
Benni McCarthy: Champions League winner, South-African international, fat bastard. For all the West Ham fans wondering what they really got for their money, the answer is a very well-dressed former striker given the financial freedom to indulge in his first love… Dolce & Gabbana shoes. The Cribs-like feature opens up with an analysis of Benni’s fridge. How apt.
King Kenny fulfills a fantasy on behalf of millions of football fans: the opportunity to look him square in the eye and tell him that a) he is wrong and b) may cordially piss right off. The transformation on Dalglish’s face from jovial, happy-go-lucky grin to a teeth-bearing, tenacious ‘fancy a Glaswegian kiss?’ grimace is chillingly delicious.
Talking of piss, Palmeiras player and serial pitch-side tinkler Jorge Valdivia gives the groundsmen a favour with some grass-maintenance. For added excitement, cheeky Jorge finds the closest electrical source possible to empty his ill-disciplined bladder. Kinky stuff.
Raul – a man who for so long seemingly had the personality of perforated bubble-rap – is really charging up his charisma-meter at Schalke. Here he is wrecking the mic to the delight of the Champions League semi-finalists from Germany. He is now available for all weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Danny Dyer – we must now surely add Portland Timbers mascot Timber Joey to that list of illustrious action-heros. This simply superb rabble-rouser for the new MLS ‘franchise’ is a sight to behold and ticks all the boxes a fan could wish for in a cuddly, family-friendly club mascot. Chainsaw – tick. Massive bearded man – tick. An enormous log to plough through in celebration after every goal – double tick.
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