Amid concerns of having his face electric-whisked into a tasty Catalan tapas, Jose Mourinho last night took the decision to watch his teams second leg against Barcelona at the team hotel. But all is not lost for purveyors of Mourinho’s histrionics.
In an inexplicable piece of negligence, the report of a junior UEFA delegate given the task of observing Jose in the hotel room has been leaked. Here are the ten most sensational events that OTP has so far salvaged from the report.
1. Jose greeted the UEFA official at 19.30 GMT wearing a ‘satin silk bath gown’ and ‘point-blank refused to tie up the midriff section’. Jose explained that he had never lost a game “when going commando”.
2. Jose watched the first half in a bubble-bath. He ‘splashed ferociously’ when his side conceded a foul and ‘blew raspberries uncontrollably’ when Lionel Messi was on the ball. When Carvalho was given a yellow card, the head of a blue rubber ducky – a leaving present from John Terry – was ‘dramatically snapped from its body by Mr Mourinho’.
3. At half-time Jose attached a self-assembled effigy bearing a resemblance to a referee to the ceiling. After Higuain’s goal was disallowed, he attacked the effigy with a flurry of kicks ‘reminiscent of Karate Kid’. He then threw ‘a full plate of room service food – Chicken Korma curry and a steaming portion of pilau rice with assorted samosas – across the walls’. Jose offered an apologetic poppadom but it was declined by the official.
4. When Marcelo scored an equalizer for Real, Mourinho leapt to his feet, picked up a fire extinguisher, initially guzzled it and then blazed the remaining contents over his balcony screaming at the top of his lungs: “F***ing have some of that you cheating bunch of c**ts.” The nunnery that backs onto this penthouse suite was also given a full apology this morning, but they too refused the poppadom.
5. Jose missed the last ten minutes of the game because he was showing the Uefa official ‘a funny YouTube video of a cat playing the piano’ and ‘channel hopping through music videos’. The Portuguese manager explained that, given the combined NATO/EU/UN/RSPCA plot to secure Barcelona the title, his time was “better spent checking out Justin Bieber’s latest track. My daughter loves him more than me, can you believe that?”.
6. Jose is convinced that Barcelona’s ‘ conspiratorial’ habits spread far beyond football’s boundaries. He stated to the official that “Pepe Guardiola has to this day never denied assassinating John F Kennedy”. When the Uefa official explained that Guardiola hadn’t been born by then, Mourinho smiled and stated that such an alibi was “a little too convenient”.
7. On one occasion – 60 minutes in – Jose rang his mother to catch up on family life. When the official inquired why he was demanding his mother should take off Kaka and put on Ozil in a free role, Jose put his index finger over the officials lips and made a whispered ‘shhhhh’ sound.
8. In an alcohol-fuelled rant minutes after the final whistle, Mourinho referred to Barcelona as “stripy bastards”, “pass junkies” and “possession leeches”. Ballon D’Or winner Messi was downgraded to a “hairy gnome with a silly name”.
9. During the course of the 90 minutes, the room’s mini-bar was refilled on three separate occasions and before leaving Jose snaffled hotel towels, shampoo, soaps and a hairdryer.
10. Before leaving the hotel to the glare of the world’s media, Jose put on a crown of thorns, stripped down to a sarong and carried a massive wooden replica of the Champions League trophy down the corridor so that he could make a “subtle statement” about the unjust oppression and villainy that cost Madrid the Champions League title.