1. As a result of ‘drunken misadventure’, Gary Neville has tattoos of strike duo John Aldridge and Ian Rush on either buttock.
2. Tottenham keeper Heurelho Gomes has been caught sending his goalkeeping bloopers to You’ve Been Framed for a bit of extra cash on the side.
3. The goal bonus in Andy Carroll’s LIverpool contract consists exclusively of jagerbombs and/or Nando’s vouchers.
4. Roy Keane has been photographed ‘sharing a cornetto’ and ‘gleefully walking his dog in a park’ with Alf-Inge Haaland. We said walk.
5. Harry Redknapp has refused to start Carlo Cudicini because the keeper bought him a ‘jowl lift’ beautician’s voucher for Christmas.
6. When Ashley Cole misfired his rifle at training ground, he was dressed as Woody from Toy Story. Drogba was Buzz.
7. Avram Grant has been in a ‘lucid coma’ for five years. Watching West Ham has ‘compounded the condition’.
8. Stefan Postma is actually a bit of a prude and has taken out a super injunction blocking reports that his wife… you know… amid concerns it could ruin a burgeoning adult film career.
9. During Fernando Torres’ shooting training, Petr Cech was strapped in a straight-jacket to aid the Spaniard’s confidence.
10. Sir Alex Ferguson and Mike Phelan once drove through Salford at 2am dressed as Batman and Robin because there was nothing on TV.