Top five things we want to see at the FA Cup final
1. Tony Pulis snubbing sartorial tradition
Some people will be wondering whether Stoke can win the first FA Cup in their history, but just as many will be wondering whether the Potters manager will buckle under the pressure of tradition and don a smart suit for the big day.
For a man who turns up to every game in trackie-bottoms and probably only removes his cap in bed at the insistent request of Mrs Pulis, this is a tricky dilemma: stay true to yourself or give in to the pomp and circumstance? OTP has it’s fingers crossed for a compromise of a sharp looking suit topped off with his trusty baseball cap and Nike Air trainers – otherwise known as the ‘hooligan defendant in court look’.
2. 50/50 challenges between Ryan Shawcross and Nigel De Jong
OTP looks forward to having an old philosophical conundrum put to bed: what happens when an unstoppable force from an immovable object? With Wembley providing the football equivalent of the Large Hadron Collider, these barrel-chested, silos of steel are almost certain to collide. The annual conference of the Premier League Leg Breakers’ Society.
It will probably just end in a scuffle – but who can rule out the creation of a black hole swallowing everything in it’s path, perhaps even Mario Balotelli’s ego. It’s exactly how OTP wanted to go anyway.
3. Alternative half-time entertainment
Hopefully, the FA will take a leaf out of the Superbowl’s book and provide some stellar entertainment. We’re thinking a bucking bronco with competitors consisting solely of OTP’s Top 10 fat football managers. Our money is on a memorable showdown between Diego ‘treble-chins’ Maradonna and Sam ‘thunder thighs’ Allardyce that will go down in the history of both the FA Cup and mankind. Like Fraser-Ali, with added cholesterol. Superbowl 38 was remembered for Janet Jackson’s left breast, perhaps the 139th FA Cup will be synonymous with Allardyce’s exposed, gyrating gut. Fingers crossed.
4. Mario Balotelli to go through his full repertoire
Given that this may be one of the last times we see bonkers Balotelli on these shores, we hope that Mario will go through some of his greatest hits one last time on the biggest stage of all. That means the following:
– Parking on Wembley Way in his Maserati and shrugging nonchalantly when it is towed away.
– Eyeballing the referee as if he is about to enter a UFC grapple with him. Perhaps even making a menacing dart throwing gesture.
– Looking as lethargic as a hungover sloth in a sauna.
– Ending an evening of night-club scrapes by giving his medal to a homeless man.
5. Rory Delap to lift the trophy
It’s a long shot, but muscle memory might just kick in during the presentations and we could see Delap unwittingly launch the famous trophy a good 50 yards back onto the pitch. Sergio Ramos has majestically led the way by demolishing the Spanish cup, now it’s England’s time. Do your duty Delap.