Spoof: Barcelona announces hosepipe ban as Lionel Messi’s goal drought continues

Posted by - April 25, 2012 - Spain, Spoof

The streets of Barcelona last night ground to a standstill as Lionel Messi’s epic goal drought reached a critical level.

The city has called a hosepipe ban to help to cope with the drought, but Barcelona’s transport system has also been affected by the drought.

The three-time World Player of the Year – if you can really believe that – has now gone a staggering TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT minutes without a goal. That is slightly more than three entire games of football – the sport of which he is supposed to be our planet’s greatest representation.

Under such abysmal conditions, the infrastructure of the city has almost entirely collapsed. Buses and trains have not run since last night, with Municipal head of transport Miguel Valdes commenting: “How can a society be expected to function like this? The drought has affected 99.4% of my drivers.

“Only one bus still runs. Driven by Eduardo. He is an Espaynol fan.”

Panic buying in shops and supermarkets has also seen a 40000% increase in sales of Barcelona DVDs. One store owner, who wished to remain anonymous, said: “I was forced to open my store at 5am. Had I not, there would have been riots and looting.

“In the confusion, the masses bought nearly everything. They were like a plague of locusts. But, for me, it was a good day. I have made enough to retire!”

On street corners, senior citizens have taken to their upturned soapboxes throughout the city, spreading tales of the times they saw Messi score.

Alvaro Gomez, aged 84, wiped away a tear as he spoke to a group of rowdy children and their desperate parents: “Oh, yes, I remember it well. The Civil War had just ended – it must have been at least 400, 500 minutes ago – and there he was. Messi. 6ft 5in tall, he was. With eyes burning like the fires of hell.”

Meanwhile, scientists, in their desperate search to find a Lionel Messi goal, have apparently discovered cave drawings from the Palaeolithic era that appear to convey a man of short stature placing a left footed shot past a stranded goalkeeper.

These reports are yet to be confirmed.