1. He misread the FA report and thought that they were accusing him of calling them a #BUNCHOFTWATS.

2. #BUNCHOFTWATS actually refers to bun choft wats. It’s a perfectly harmless hashtag about bun (a small cake), choft (according to Urban Dictionary, someone who pretends to live inside the internet) and wats (a Cambodian monastery). It simply means that any cake-eating FA panel members who based their decision on internet rumour need a period of quiet contemplation, ideally in a Far East temple.

3. Somebody else had his mobile at the time the tweet was sent. NO, DON’T START THAT AGAIN!

4. This was quite a restrained response. If he was really angry he would have nearly swerved his car off the road instead.

5. Oftwats is Cole’s much-touted regulatory body for hard done by footballers. It would perform a similar role as the likes of Ofcom and Ofgem.