Please, sir, can I have some more money?

One’s an orphan who escapes the shires to return to London to make money in a pickpocket gang, the other’s a footballer who pickpockets his club to return to London to have his wicked way with Chinawhite’s female patrons.

Jermain’s big comeback

We know how strongly Tottenham fans feel about players who string along and betray their clubs. That is why Portsmouth turncoat Jermain Defoe was subjected to a barrage of homophobic and vindictive abuse at White Hart Lane last night. Or not.

Defoe was presented on the pitch before Spurs’ 4-1 Carling Cup victory over Burnley last night. He also gave an interview explaining the reasons for his return. Pompey fans: choose your own doses of salt to take it with!

Tottenham-bound striker’s legit excuse

Being a bit of a cynic, it was a relief to see that Jermain Defoe has not being screwing Portsmouth and undermining the value of the FA Cup. Now that Tottenham have had a bid for the 26-year-old accepted, they have released Defoe’s sicknote to prove there were no underhand tactics afoot.

Click the image to enlarge.

Lassana Diarra pays the price for joining club where t’other Diarra plays

Far be it for us to interfere in the internal politics of the shirt policy of a Spanish football club, but surely they could have found a better moniker for Lassana Diarra than Lass. The soon-to-be Real Madrid midfielder will leave behind Portsmouth star ‘Diarra’ at Fratton Park and transform into ‘Lass’ for his exploits at the Santiago Bernabeu.

Unfortunately for Lassie, his namesake Mahamadou is already part of the furniture at Real and to avoid confusion the new Diarra on the block had to get a new name. After the jump we’ll give you five better shirt monikers for Lass.
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Potential Pompey presents

Dear Santa,

Tony

One way to beat the December cold

It seems this was the weekend that Portsmouth striker and unabashed man whore Jermain Defoe realised that there was no member of Chinawhites’ female clientele that he had not already slept with. The England international is now set to start working his way through Premier League match officials, starting by courting Chris Foy at Fratton Park yesterday afternoon.

It looks like the refs are going to be harder work than his nightclub girls - look, he actually has to talk to Foy!

Who’s gonna end up with who?

Right, so Juande has got the hots for Didier, who obviously impressed him with his inch-perfect passing during their Tottenham days (that doesn’t sound right). He would like to move him into his new pad in Madrid. But he also quite likes Lassana, who apparently has impressed him from afar (just not quite as much as Didier). He wouldn’t mind taking him to Madrid either.

Tottenham don’t want to lose Didier (we don’t know why), but if they did happen to have him wooed away from them by a suave Spaniard they would love to get together with Lassana. Lassana, according to Juande, is not quite as good at his job as Didier but Tottenham probably like him a bit more and think will fill the void just fine.

Could get messy…

Must have been the video games again


Portsmouth were knocked out of the Uefa Cup last night after this trademark clanger from David James. The England international - who seemed to have ironed most of the mistakes out of his game with age - can claim an assist after passing the ball straight to Zvjezdan Misimovic to give Wolfsburg a 3-2 victory. James did save a penalty later in the match, but it was a bit late by that stage!

Brazilian puckers up in Pompey

Put it down to the sea air, the port atmosphere, or the naval influences, but something about being Portsmouth last night made Kaka want to throw his Christian values out of the window and make out on the pitch with Luca Antonini. Beautifully lit.

Chubby Brazilian still deadly

If the Fratton Park public were going to have their hearts broken they might as well have seen something special on the way. So Ronaldinho kindly obliged by providing this beautiful free-kick to get AC Milan back in the match and set the scene for Pippo Inzaghi’s late equaliser.