Sepp Blatter announces major FIFA reforms
FIFA President Sepp Blatter has bowed to pressure and announced a range of sweeping reforms he is confident will placate the beautiful game’s stakeholders around the world.
“For the first time we will introduce goal mouth technology,” he stated. “Special cameras will be positioned to determine whether cocktail olives in fact enter the mouth whole or are indeed bitten before they pass the lips of my martini-quaffing cronies in the VIP seats.”
Not content with this groundbreaking move, Blatter said it was high time that the moneygrubbing Champignons League was put in its place. From next season major European clubs will be amalgamated into Inter-Bayern Madrilonapool United and the trophy simply awarded without those annoying football fixtures having to take place.
“This solves neatly many pressing issues. Crisis? What crisis?” he intoned before pausing to light another spliff. “There’ll be no overpaid ponces rolling on the ground, just lots of streamer fountains set to classical riffs. People like that shit.”
Revenues from television rights will now go directly into the pockets of FIFA executives without having to be passed around behind the scenes.
“All those anonymous brown envelopes and flimsy excuses were bringing the game into disrepute,” Blatter reasoned. “You can see how efficient the new system will be.”
Meanwhile, Jack Warner is to be appointed a roving ambassador for the sport and awarded a lifetime supply of Ronald McDonaldTM costumes for use in the role.
“Of course they will have to be redesigned in the colours of Coca-ColaTM, which will look much better on giant screens with Sony 3-DTM technology.”
Caving in to calls to review the decision to award the 2022 World Cup to unlikely hosts Qatar, Blatter announced that the tournament would now be held jointly by Libya, Syria and Yemen.
“You didn’t want a summer tournament, and we were too fuddy to move it to the winter, so how about a football showpiece in the Arab Spring?” he declaimed. “Anyone against this move will be shot, and we know that long-range shooting has always been an exciting feature of football.”
“As you can see the serious issues are being competently dealt with and there’s no reason for the congress not to re-elect me for an indefinite term,” said smokin’ Joe. “But as I’m a modest man I’ll accept the presidency only for the next hundred years. After that I’ll need some time to find a suitably spineless, fecaloid smellsmock to inherit my legacy, but I’m sure the organisation will come forward with a suitable candidate.”