Bet’s be ‘avin you: Football betting tips for the 7-8 January
Ahhh, the relief of the FA Cup, where you forget how sh*te your club is in the league for one day, only to remember just how p*ss poor they are come 5pm on Saturday when they no longer have the pleasure of Peter Beardsley drawing their ball out of the bag (the least sexiest image in history?)
I hope everyone had a cracking New Years Eve. Mine was rather stilted after the In-Laws (we call them the Outlaws, but not their face) refused to get out of chez me until 11am and jeff off back to whence they came. What sort of self-respecting gentleman has to wait until almost lunchtime to start their drinking at this time of year. Shocking form. As they live near Birmingham (I know it gets worse), I’m going to be putting a few crumpled ones on Bristol Rovers causing a shock on Saturday evening. No manager they may have, but at least they don’t want to stab out their eyes every week watching Big ‘Eck’s boys.
£10 on Bristol Rovers (draw no bet) gets you £46
Right, now time to get silly. But silly in a funny way, not like when I casually put menacing messages on the kids’ gift tags to spice things up on The Big Day. “You’re lucky Santa isn’t real son, the way you act on school mornings. Despite my best advice, your mother felt obliged to provide for you. All the breast. Dad”. And so the satsuma was revealed. This weekend, silliness entails predicting that Everton, Tottenham, Middlesbrough and Chelsea will all win by more than one goal. Yes, I agree, middle age has mellowed me more than that eye-watering brandy from Lidl.
£10 on Middlesbrough, Chelsea, Everton and Spurs to win by more than one gets you £75
So unhooked am I that the next bet drops down to that dreariest of levels: non-league football. In truth this sort of footy is a hotbed of all that I believe in: cold pies followed by distinctly warmer farts, managers swearing easily above the noise of aged spectators, and half the crowd spectating solely because they think they will see a Danny Baker Own Goals and Gaffes-style balls up in defence Count me in.
£10 on Luton to win by more than one goal, Grimsby and Barrow gets you £103
And finally to my old friend. No, not you Oranjeboom, it’s the turn of the first goalscorer bet. A magical weekend on which to try such folly on the basis that if your players aren’t on the field when the first goal goes in, it’s money back time. You may scoff but there is plenty to be said for having a quarter of your weekend stakes returned. Don’t worry love, the kids will eat after all
£5 on David N’gog to score the first goal gets you £33
£5 on Marcus Tudgay to score the first goal gets you £40
£5 on Niko Kranjcar to score the first goal gets you £50
£5 on Matt Tubbs to score the first goal gets you £33