Basic first aid tips, with St John Terry Ambulance
Dealing with suspected fractures
Step 1: Recognition and treatment
- Look for swelling. If you spot any, try prodding the victim or squeezing the swollen area.
- Listen for a grating noise. If this turns out to be Ashley Cole thinking aloud about opening contract negotiations, please ignore.
- Be aware of shock. Is the victim in shock? A sharply delivered racist or xenophobic insult should snap them out of it.
- Immobility. Ordinarily this would be a good indication of a fracture, but since the mobility of both you and Carlos Puyol has been in question for a couple of years it’s probably worth disregarding during this diagnosis.
Step 2: Support and immobilise
- Unnecessary movement could make the fracture worse. You need to support and immobilise the injury. Try grabbing the injured limb and grasping it firmly.
- Consider applying Petr Cech’s safety headgear.
Step 3: Call for help
- Shout across to Ashley Cole to see whether he has a mobile phone handy. Failing that, make use of Fernando Torres and send him to dial 999.
- There’s always the risk that this could be caused by an undiagnosed jellyfish sting. Probably best to urinate on him while you’re waiting for the ambulance. Just in case.