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Basic first aid tips, with St John Terry Ambulance

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Rob Parker
 @ April 19th, 2012

Dealing with suspected fractures

Step 1: Recognition and treatment

  • Look for swelling. If you spot any, try prodding the victim or squeezing the swollen area.
  • Listen for a grating noise. If this turns out to be Ashley Cole thinking aloud about opening contract negotiations, please ignore.
  • Be aware of shock. Is the victim in shock? A sharply delivered racist or xenophobic insult should snap them out of it.
  • Immobility. Ordinarily this would be a good indication of a fracture, but since the mobility of both you and Carlos Puyol has been in question for a couple of years it’s probably worth disregarding during this diagnosis.


Step 2: Support and immobilise

  • Unnecessary movement could make the fracture worse. You need to support and immobilise the injury. Try grabbing the injured limb and grasping it firmly.
  • Consider applying Petr Cech’s safety headgear.

Step 3: Call for help

  • Shout across to Ashley Cole to see whether he has a mobile phone handy. Failing that, make use of Fernando Torres and send him to dial 999.
  • There’s always the risk that this could be caused by an undiagnosed jellyfish sting. Probably best to urinate on him while you’re waiting for the ambulance. Just in case.
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