Spoof: Alton Towers to launch new ‘Managerial Merry-Go-Round’ ride
Alton Towers – the UK’s largest theme park – today announced their new ride for the summer of 2012. After much anticipation of a colossal rollercoaster that would test the laws of physics, the park’s chief went for something much more low-key and unorthodox: a merry-go-round where ‘at least 50 per cent’ of the allotted seats will be offered to ‘football managers on the dole’.
Alton Towers boss and candyfloss entrepreneur Tommy Tinkleton spoke about his novel plans at a press conference earlier today.
He said: “This is great news for the park. I’m a big fan of the English game and we’ve often drawn inspiration from it to design our rides. We all have Nottingham Forest’s calamitous relegation free-fall in 1999 to thank for the construction of Oblivion.
“We envisage the Managerial Merry-Go-Round both as a throw-back to popular family-friendly old school rides and as a sanctuary for rejected coaches – a time from them to think about their life and relax before they are picked up by sympathetic new owners. A pneumatic Battersea Dogs Home if you will.
“We’ve signed up Alan Curbishley on a long-term contract and we expect him to be with us for a full five years. He’ll sit on the unicorn seven days a week. Alongside him on the donkey will be former Aston Villa boss Alex McLeish – he’s taken two teams down in two years so we expect he won’t be getting off the ride any time soon.
“So they are the two main faces of the ride at present. We’re in advanced talks with Kenny Dalglish to straddle the pony seat for the summer. We’ve had the porcelain chicken ready for a certain Blackburn manager for six months now, but it appears we jumped the gun on that one.
“Mick McCarthy will be pressing the buttons so there should be an air of authority to keep everyone’s egos in check.”
League Manager’s Association chief executive Richard Bevan has welcomed the unusual developments.
He said: “It’s a touch undignified, I guess, but at least it gets them out of the house and getting some fresh air instead of manoeuvring 11 coffee cups around their kitchen table all day long.
“We’ve heard Tinkleton’s plans and we are happy about the conditions afforded to the managers. They will get fed and watered daily and most importantly they will be allowed to dismount once a day to deliver an after-buffet speech in the food court.”