Top 10 last-ditch attempts to get Robin Van Persie to sign a new Arsenal contract
1. Get Thierry Henry on the phone
Tel could give Van Persie an assessment on the results of leaving Arsenal when you’re the team’s talisman. He could explain that the grass isn’t always greener and he may well be looking for a loan move back in a couple of years to give him a break from Mickey Mouse football.
2. Get Emmanuel Adebayor to visit his Manchester City overlords on the same day RVP arrives for talks
Nothing would be more likely to make RVP stay put than sitting in the room next to a former Gunners hero while he screams and shouts demanding his next move away from the Etihad Stadium. A timely reminder that the route between stadiums named after Middle Eastern airlines is paved with gold… but also discontentment.
3. Compile a dossier entitled ‘Life With Samir Nasri’
Many of his France international team-mates will no doubt be willing to contribute.
4. Bring back Pat Rice
Pat Rice retires and suddenly RVP wants to leave. Coincidence? OTP thinks not.
5. Arrange a pre-season friendly against Manchester City and pay the ref to give a controversial red card
A harsh sending off against the club he wanted to join kept Thierry Henry at the club for a bit longer. Perhaps the same set of circumstances would work for Van Persie. Of course, it would help if the match in question was a Champions League final… but if there was a possibility of Arsenal reaching the Champions League final we wouldn’t be having this discussion in the first place.
6. Revise Ivan Gazidis’ vision for the club
RVP’s vision apparently differs from the club’s. Call him in for another meeting and tell him that the new vision is to build a team around Shaqueel Van Persie that’s capable of winning the 2027 Champions League.
7. Promise never to substitute Alex Oxlade Chamberlain
On a couple of occasions last season it appeared RVP thought the Ox was the only person at the Emirates who really understood him. Wenger’s decision to sub the young star was a source of frustration for the Dutchman.
8. Start a ‘Huntelaar to Man City’ rumour campaign
Many Dutch fans were calling for Klaas Jan Huntelaar to get a starting berth at Euro 2012 ahead of RVP. Call in a few favours with the media and convince him that he’ll be vying for a first-team place with his international rival.
9. Present him with a novelty cheque
Arsenal cannot match the bumper contract that Manchester City can offer RVP, but they could at least create the sense of a pay rise by presenting an advance on his wages and a signing-on fee in the form of a novelty oversized cheque.
10. Get Marouane Chamakh to do a Fake Sheikh routine
RVP has seen so little of Chamakh that he probably wouldn’t recognise him if he used a fake beard. The giraffe-necked striker could pretend to be a wealthy investor who wants to bring most of the Barcelona team and Gael Clichy to the Emirates.
*If all else fails, bring in the gangsters. It kept Steven Gerrard at Liverpool.
Image: Ronnie Macdonald