Wayne Rooney signs five-year contract with Manchester United

There’s no punchline: this is the truth

There’s nothing like a death threat to focus the mind, and that certainly appears to be the case for Wayne Rooney. Wazza has told the circus to pack up and move on by signing a new five-year deal at Manchester United.

What’s changed? Wayne said: “I’ve talked to the manager and the owners and they’ve convinced me this is where I belong.”

OK, so did they give you those all important guarantees on the quality of players the club would be signing? If not, then it is safe to assume that it was all about the money after all.

Sir Alex Ferguson said: “I’m delighted Wayne’s agreed to stay [so I can kick boots at his head].”

More to follow.