Newcastle find Andy Carroll replacement in the shape of… Shefki Kuqi? Are you kidding?
He no speak English
Alan Pardew doesn’t take any messing around, least of all from ne’er do well, lardy owners. That’s why when he found out his star striker was being shipped out to Liverpool he set Mike Ashley straight.
As he said the day after transfer deadline day: “The one thing I said to Mike yesterday was, ‘Look, if this boy is going to go, this money has to be reinvested in the team, all of it’.”
So that’s why the Magpies have swooped to snap-up 34-year-old striker Shefki Kuqi, who was released by Swansea last month because he couldn’t get a game for them. Surely they could have at least called Tony Jimenez to recommend an out-of-contract Spanish striker who would at least have been a bit more of an unknown quantity!
No wonder Faustino Asprilla keeps turning up at St James’s Park these days – he probably knows he will get a game if he sticks around long enough.
Kuqi – who has had brief Premier League stints with Blackburn and Fulham in the past – wisely deflected attention away from his footballing offering to the Toon Army and focused instead on his sat nav skills.
He said: “Yesterday my sat nav took me a little bit the wrong way, so it took me quite a while to drive here from Swansea. Normally if that happens to me – if I get lost or miss a turning – I get very annoyed, but yesterday I was really cool and calm because I knew I was coming here.”
The former Finnish international is probably best known for his naked bedroom home video, co-starring Robbie Savage (see above).