Mark Lawrenson’s Comedy Column
And now, the end is near
It is with moist eyes that I compose the last Comedy Column of the season. It will be a long wait until August when we can once again hear the dulcit tones of the BBC’s Football Expert and his six figure salary opinions. So, for old times sake:
From his column last week:
“This should still be a straightforward Arsenal win, and there is no way they are going to let third place slip.”
From his column this week:
“They’re in danger of finishing fourth now – and considering their collapse in form since late March, I think that’s exactly where they’ll end up.”
Chelsea Chelsea, I believe
Given such a bold statement, should we really read too much into this:
“It will be Ancelotti’s last game”
Given that Roman Abramovich has reportedly not made any decision on Carlo’s future yet, I would suggest placing a bet that the Italian remains.
Dead and buried
“I can only see a home win here – which means relegation for Blackpool”
As maths fans or people that actually take notice of football matters know, a home win does not necesarily mean relegation for Blackpool. If Birmingham lose by more, they are down.
Interesting stuff on West Ham’s plight:
“Still, they’ll go down, sort the wage bill out, sell a few on for a big profit”
OTP is scratching our heads somewhat at the big profit makers in the West Ham squad. Scott Parker was bought for £7million, Upson £7.5million and Rob Green £3millon. Given that West Ham have said that they will not be forced into selling players under 24, we’re assuming that “a few” consists of crossing fingers that someone stupid offers some cold, hard cash for Carlton Cole.
The logical song
Interesting stuff from Lawro for the Wigan v Stoke game:
“I can say they (Wigan) gave up more chances than they created, which must be worry going to the Britannia Stadium.”
“I’m not sure Wigan have got the players to deal with them.”
“When you concede as many chances as they do, you’ll always be in trouble.”
Score prediction: 1-1
The final countdown
I get criticised for picking apart Lawro’s criticisms, but it is important to note that these are not made at the start of the season when it is pure guesswork. Every week he is reacting to current form, injury crises and underperformance, which makes prediction easier than doing it at the start of the season.
So what, therefore, are the excuses for the following end of season mindf*cks:
West Ham finishing in 14th, ten points clear of relegation
Wolves finishing 20 points clear of relegation
Wigan only limping to 20 Premier League points
Wigan taking their first away point of the season on the last day against Stoke
Blackpool not taking a single point away from home
And finally, because you drove me to this Lawro, just guess how many away wins Lawro predicted for the bottom eight teams in his league (Wigan, Blackpool, Blackburn, Birmingham, West Ham, Fulham, West Brom and Bolton)?
Yeah you’ve guessed it. Nought. Not one. 0 out of 152.
I’ll miss you man.