The Premier League Alter Ego XI
Not to be taken too seriously
GK – Paul Robinson
The Blackburn goalkeeper has retired from international duty, presumably due to the time taken commuting from 22 Ramsay Street, Australia. Add this to also owning the Erinsborough news, and it’s a wonder Robbo finds time for footy at all.
RB – Glen Johnson
Often criticised for being better attacking than defending, maybe Johnson could learn much from his boxing namesake. After all, he knocked out Roy Jones Jr. Still, did his bit for national pride by losing to Carl Froch in June.
LB – Jonny Evans
With his poor performances, it’s a wonder how Evans manages to keep a regular place in the United side, but now we know. As Director-General of MI-5, the Northern Irish defender probably has digged up quite a bit of dirt about Fergie, and uses blackmail. One question remains: what else does he know about Ryan Giggs?
CB – Ashley Williams
Impressive that Williams’ alter ego is not only of a different skin colour, nationality and occupation (starring in How I Met Your Mother and Law and Order), but also the opposite gender. Great namesake work.
CB – Danny Wilson
The Scottish centre-back hasn’t had too many starts this season, but when you are also the Dad of Ryan Giggs, one imagines that there has been plenty of domestic issues to distract him. “Sit down nicely and explain it to your brother, Ryan”.
RM – David Jones
After moving from the Black Country to the North West, Jones should have resorted to simply settling in to his new club. Not a bit of it, and the midfielder can be seen chucking out news on Sky Sports every day. Guess that’s the Georgie Thompson factor.
LM – James Morrison
A decent Premier League midfielder and a decent warbler too, collaborating with Nelly Furtado and Jessie J. Yet to release a version of Boing Boing Baggies, presumably with Adrian Chiles and Frank Skinner on backing vocals
CM – Mark Davies
Denis Compton was England’s most famous sportsman that played both football and cricket, although Ian Botham also gave it a go. We can now add Mark Davies to this list, as he keeps fit over the summer months by turning out for Durham CCC. We’ve heard of a club v country row, but club v county?
CM – Danny Murphy
With his shaved head and bleary eyes, Danny Murphy has struggled to keep up his Premier League form in the last couple of years. Unsurprising when you see he was a character in a documentary about heroin addicts in Glasgow. Get out your pads and pen, Danny’s going Trainspotting.
ST – Andrew Johnson
Whilst Johnson has been struggling for goals in recent seasons, this becomes more forgiveable when you consider that he had the weight of expectation of the American population on his shoulder. In truth, given the fact that his presidency ended in 1869, Johnson is doing well to still be a Premier League starter.
ST – Robert Blake
A strange one this. He has done well to keep it quiet, but it appears that in his evenings, Bolton striker Robert (Bobby) Blake is a gay porn actor, with his videos including Black Ballers and Get Hooked On This. Cue the obvious dirty tackle gags, I believe.
ST – Michael Owen
There is much guffawing and jesting when another Owen injury is announced, but perhaps his body is even more brittle than we first imagined, because the striker also retured from playing rugby for Wales aged just 29 due to a persistent knee problem. However, at least whilst injured he got to co-commentate on the Rugby World Cup. I thought he was more of a horse racing man, actually.