Spoof: FA fury at Euro 2012 failure to camera perv on England female fans
The English Football Association today issued an official complaint to UEFA after no English female fans were gratuitously zeroed in on during the European Championships.
Despite a bounty of beautiful and often scantily clad female fans being caught on camera at breaks during games over the past few weeks, there was a distinct lack of interest for England’s home-grown talent.
Noting that all 15 of other nations had been handsomely represented by ‘honey-cam’, FA Chairman David Bernstein rebuked the painful omission.
Bernstein said: “This is typical of UEFA. They speak until they are blue in the face about equality, but they never follow through in the stadiums.
“Our loyal ladies have proudly represented this fair nation with plunging necklines and lashings of lipstick, and yet they were overlooked for the same old clichés – olive skinned Italians and Swedish blond bombshells.”
He added: “We once got tarred for having endemic hooliganism in our game and now we have to suffer the indignity of Europe thinking our beautiful English roses are an ugly bunch of munters.
“It’s just not on and we really feel it adversely affected our team’s performance.”
England manager Roy Hodgson concurred that the lack of sexual objectification of English lasses dealt a blow to the Three Lions’ team spirit.
Hodgson stated: “After every game, myself and the players looked back at the tapes and as well as the absence of technical skill or expansive forward play, we soon realised our women were getting no intimate lens action whatsoever.
“It was a real kick in the teeth for the lads, especially when frumpy Angela Merkel was hogging the camera during half the tournament.
“At half-time in the quarters, the Prozone stats team told us that nine Italian fitties had been ogled at on the big screen compared to our zero.
“It left one or two deflated players asking, ‘what’s the point in even playing?’. It was a psychological hammer blow that we couldn’t recover from.”
In an unusual twist to the story, despite UEFA refusing to comment, Sepp Blatter openly confirmed that ‘British booty’ had been deliberately cut out of television pictures.
The FIFA president said: “It’s a matter of quality control. Over the years, our cameras have got a fine reputation for picking out the very best totty the world of football has to offer.
“It’s not about nationalities, it’s about full-on smoking hot looks. If they’ve got it, we’ll happily flaunt it during substitutions and injury treatments. Sex sells. Pwoar-phwoar-oooo always beats four-four-two in my books.
“That said, we refuse to degrade our organisation’s good name by filling our global broadcasts with ropey tarts from Derby.
“I’m afraid the English women this year were like their team’s style of football: gritty, tiresome to look at and thoroughly disappointing upfront.”