The question everyone may or may not be asking depending on whether they care, is: what is going on at Southampton?
Well, tonight there is speed dating at Revolution nightclub, where you have the opportunity to meet “up to 15 eligible singles”. This will cost you £12.95, which might seem like quite a lot because it is. The organisers advise that for best results you should come with an “open mind and a smile”, presumably because coming across as a bit simple will help mask the chronic insecurity and narcissism which has thus far prevented you forming successful relationships naturally.
But for those of you who are into insecure narcissists, and I know I certainly am, it seems like you’ll have more chance of meeting them at Revolution than you will at the local Premier League club, where you might usually expect to find them.
That is because back in January the brains behind Southampton’s meteoric rise to Premiership mid-table obscurity, Nicola Cortese, resigned.
Cortese, a man once described by Southampton favourite Matt Le Tissier as a “not very nice human being who rules by fear with an iron fist” and pilloried by supporters for what they perceived as the unjust sacking of former manager Nigel Adkins, purchased Southampton in 2009 on behalf of the late German-born Swiss investor Markus Liebherr and turned out to be actually rather good at running a football club.
During his tenure, the Inspector Gadget lookalike elevated the club to a far better position both on and off the field than anyone could have envisaged, taking Southampton out of administration and into the Premier League.
The team’s performance and league position markedly improved following Pochettino’s arrival in particular, seeing them climb as high as third in the Premier League.
In the resulting euphoric haze, Adkins was soon forgotten and talk at the club somewhat optimistically turned to Champions League ambitions in the same way that, in a different kind of haze, a person’s significant other might be forgotten and talk turn somewhat optimistically to ambitions for Gabby Logan to place Heinz spaghetti hoops into their navel as that person lay under the table while she presents Final Score or maybe from the high board during ad breaks on Splash.
They’re both equally unlikely.
At the time of Cortese’s departure it was suggested that manager Mauricio Pochettino and a number of players could follow, their loyalty being with their former chairman rather than the club or supporters who actually paid their huge salaries. But not many would have envisaged the scale of the subsequent exodus from the club, which continues apace with Morgan Schneiderlin and Jay Rodriguez now close to joining former boss Mauricio Pochettino at Tottenham.
So with things going so swimmingly well at Southampton in recent years for anyone who doesn’t happen to be called Nigel Adkins, why have the wheels fallen off this little club’s heartwarming, albeit slightly deluded, bandwagon?
Well, the fault lies with “hard man” actor Ray Winstone, whose remarkable range of pretending to be other people who have exactly the same voice and physical characteristics as Ray Winstone is equalled only by his ability to reduce his tax payments through completely legal means while simultaneously earning thousands and thousands of pounds by encouraging gullible football supporters and degenerate alcoholics alike, to “bang on” to his quite frankly dreadful ‘in play’ betting tips.
I mean, Jozy Altidore 9/1 to score next against Manchester City? Is he out of his frickin’ mind? It’s almost as if he wants people to lose money.
Southampton owner, Katharina Liebherr, who inherited Southampton from her late father appears not to share his love for the club, and in accordance with Ray’s never ending and slightly sinister decapitated 1984-esque promptings has cashed in on the club ‘in play’ and sold at the peak of its potential.
How this all pans out in the long term – and even whether Southampton are able to field a team against Liverpool on August 17 – remains to be seen, but if you’re not going to spend that £12.95 at Revolution, no doubt Ray would give you very tempting odds for you to bang it on Southampton still being in the Premier League at the end of the season.
