Have you ever fancied being a skivvy for someone with the IQ of a Walnut?
For some time now you’ve had the opportunity to demean yourself at the hands of an imbecile by becoming a “Player Liaison Officer” but now there is a new and exciting opportunity to be at the beck and call of a delusional egomaniac, if that’s the sort of thing you would like.
A Player Liaison Officer, for those who could never imagine such a thing exists (and why should you?), is a person who, rather unbelievably, is employed full-time by a football club to among other things, open and sort players’ mail, open bank accounts for them, book flights, source accommodation, advise players in all aspects of social media, teach them how to use the pot-pot and generally prevent them from swallowing their own tongues because, apparently, if they were left to their own devices these supreme athletes and, let’s be frank, fully grown adults would lie in the streets in a pool of their own excrement until they died because they don’t have the wit to find a roof to put over their heads or the ability to source food.
In 2013, former part-time footballer and full-time Wrestlemania fan Kieron Dyer was quoted as saying: “Things are different for young players now. When I went to Newcastle [in 1999 from Ipswich] you didn’t have any player liaison officers. One minute I was at Ipswich and the next I was flying to Newcastle, living on the Quayside, with no advice.
“You had thousands and thousands of pounds given to you every week [oooh the horror], and of course you make mistakes. Young lads now have the Player Liaison Officer, people advising you what to do with your money, keeping you out of town.”
So a sage warning to all young footballers from an experienced pro: don’t waste all your money on wrestling paraphernalia and crutches.
Now it seems that a very tempting vacancy to become Jermain Defoe’s servant/omnipresent miracle worker has opened up. Only tech savvy geniuses with experience of running multi-National companies and the ability to water plants need apply, but don’t let that put you off.
The ad for this dream role was posted on secsinthecity.co.uk (geddit? lol) and presented as a long list of responsibilities, which are basically random ideas with no obvious linkage; the sort of list that a 12-year-old might make if they became King of the World for a day. My goodness it’s long, but I’ve picked out some of the key tasks that the successful sap will be expected to fulfil.
“Answering call and handling enquiries.” Starts off reasonably enough.
“Dealing with incoming email, faxes and post.” They still use a fax?
“Working on certain projects and carrying out research.” Sounds slightly sinister to be honest. Makes you wonder what he’s up to.
“Liaison with sponsors i.e. addidas etc.” First thing to do is to liaise if they really want that extra ‘d’ in there.
“Working alongside Chonte Marketing director on specific projects.” More project stuff… No specific detail is given on the specific projects but it sure sounds mysterious.
“Setting up business opportunities for Jermain.” A doddle obviously. I’d suggest carry on with the football for the time being and if that continues not to work out, try to get a window-cleaning round or maybe get a stall selling some home bakes at the local market.
“Organising all Jermain’s personal needs……” Starts to get a bit creepy here.
“Organising all the Defoe family’s households and needs.” What? All of them?
“Watering the plants.” Doesn’t say how many times you need to water Jermain.
“Create a global brand for the Jermain Defoe name.” Piece of cake obviously.
“Producing his own iPhone apps.” Aside from the fact that if you produce it then he hasn’t, isn’t this a specialised role that requires extensive expertise in IT and telecommunications?
“Create his own clothing line/Fragrance for e-commerce on his website.” He’s not fussed which, which makes the job easier but I’d suggest clothes as I’m not sure how many people want to smell like Jermain Defoe.
You must also be able to make bonfires and be on call 24/7, in case he wants something burning in the middle of the night presumably.
Good luck with your application.
