Stuart Pearce had more cameras trained on him than a Big Brother contestant committing homicide last night as the former international took the reins of the England caretaker position.
Other than a super trendy haircut (lacking on the sides, just like England’s wing-play), there was one remarkable piece of footage that has peaked OTP’s interest. Pearce met Ashley Young’s 91st minute equaliser with a totally unmoved facial reaction. Despite his backroom team jumping with glee, Pearce sat fixed rigid on his dugout chair, projecting a chilling stare into the abyss.
Within hours OTP was inundated by shady sources falling over backwards to provide us with an explanation. Had Pearce let the gas on at home? Was it Botox gone wrong? Or is he just a very contained manager? The following list details some contrary explanations.
1. Humbled by a hero
After Young chipped in to make the score 2–2, the new scoreline instantly made Pearce think of his life-long hero Desmond Tutu. Psycho has always had a lot of respect for Tutu’s humanitarian and civil rights work across the continent of Africa in the 1990s. The mere thought of the retired Anglican bishop left Pearce in humbled silence and stimulated his recurring daydream of discussing the merits of a traditional 4-4-2 with Tutu and his close associate Nelson Mandela.
2. Staring competition
Just a few minutes before the camera was trained on Pearce’s goal reaction, the legendary left-back had clocked former Nottingham Forest teammate Des Walker in the crowd. Rekindling their zany days back at the City Ground, Pearce locked his eyes on Walker for a playful eyeball tug-of-war. With the friends playing best of three and a deciding stare-off taking place in the 91st minute, Pearce refused to let the England equaliser distract his steely gaze. Competitive to a fault.
3. Comatosed
The footage of Pearce motionless on the bench exposed a rare chink in the armour of one of the biggest cover-ups in football history. After scoring a cathartic penalty at Euro 1996 against Spain, Pearce’s gargantuan celebration was so violent that it collapsed his entire facial nervous system.
The FA have got around this over the years by installing a series of levers on the manager’s bonce to be pulled by Gareth Southgate – a punishment for missing a deciding penalty against Germany. Southgate developed an intricate puppet-like choreography that was later adapted for hit stage show War Horse. In a prize example of calamitous scheduling, Southgate’s media duties for ITV last night left Pearce’s face absent without leave.
4. Untimely hip-hop impression
Stuart Pearce’s complete lack of reaction to the equaliser was in fact due to his commitment to performing impressions of hip-hop artists. With the clock ticking down, Pearce was entertaining his subs and coaches by delivering a medley showcase of his favourite early 90s hip-hop stars such as Flavor Flav, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Tupac.
In the 91st minute, as Young was bearing down on goal, Pearce was providing his very own version of MC Hammer’s smash hit Hammer Time. In an unfortunate coincidence, the camera took in his goal reaction just after Pearce had said “Stop” and cutaway from the manager just before he uttered the follow-up line: “Hammer-time”. The pause in the lyrics, something Pearce likes to extend for dramatic effect, was the true reason for his motionless stare.
5. Indignation at FA deceit
After Young scored the equaliser, a series of players enveloped him with glee, including Scott Parker. As Pearce watched the Spurs midfielder’s armband beamed out by the Wemley jumbo-screen, he clocked for the first time that the FA had snubbed his appointment of former England team-mate Paul Parker as captain.
The blood-curdling stare now seems entirely understandable. Pearce had developed a strong bond with Paul during the 1990 World Cup and had earmarked him then and there as a heroic leader of men. Shocked at Pearce’s decision to make a 48-year-old the England skipper, the FA feigned ignorance by giving Scott Parker the top job instead.
