Please, sir, can I have some more money?

One’s an orphan who escapes the shires to return to London to make money in a pickpocket gang, the other’s a footballer who pickpockets his club to return to London to have his wicked way with Chinawhite’s female patrons.

Jermain’s big comeback

We know how strongly Tottenham fans feel about players who string along and betray their clubs. That is why Portsmouth turncoat Jermain Defoe was subjected to a barrage of homophobic and vindictive abuse at White Hart Lane last night. Or not.

Defoe was presented on the pitch before Spurs’ 4-1 Carling Cup victory over Burnley last night. He also gave an interview explaining the reasons for his return. Pompey fans: choose your own doses of salt to take it with!

Tottenham-bound striker’s legit excuse

Being a bit of a cynic, it was a relief to see that Jermain Defoe has not being screwing Portsmouth and undermining the value of the FA Cup. Now that Tottenham have had a bid for the 26-year-old accepted, they have released Defoe’s sicknote to prove there were no underhand tactics afoot.

Click the image to enlarge.

Harry Redknapp backs out of controversial substitution

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp was forced to scrap a planned substitution in Friday night’s FA Cup win against Wigan amid fears the swap would disrupt his side’s momentum. Hossam Ghaly has not played for the club since throwing a tantrum (and his shirt) when substituted by Martin Jol in a match against Blackburn in May 2007.

s Sol Campbell will testify, the White Hart Lane faithful are not the most forgiving folks, and last night they showed Ghaly that he was still in their bad books. Ordered by Redknapp to strip off his tracksuit for a 10-minute comeback appearance, Ghaly faced a barrage of boos as he waited to join the action. This prompted Redknapp to tell the Egyptian to put his tracksuit back on and return to the bench.
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Even wheeler dealers need gifts sometimes

Dear Santa,

Harry

Spurs master corporate whoredom for the unsubtle

Nothing quite says, “Please can we have a nice rich Arab sponsor to help pay for our new stadium like our North London rivals” like sticking the words ‘Naming Rights’ on the side of your computer-generated plans. For that reason Spurs have decided to do away with any semblance of subtlety or behind-the-scenes marketing and done just that.

It is a shame Juande Ramos isn’t still in charge because if the team was still humiliating themselves on the pitch, it is doubtful the club could have found a sponsor. The stadium might have actually been called Naming Rights Lane in a last ditch face-saving exercise. As it is, I’m sure ‘Arry knows a few geezers who will sort sumfink airt.

Mexican youngster lies on floor to minimise vomit trajectory

Juande Ramos’ nutritional expectations for his squads are notoriously strict, so perhaps that explains why one or two Spurs players had lost track of their alcohol threshold when Harry Redknapp sent them out for a good old-fashioned Christmas party.

Take Mexican youngster Giovani Dos Santos, for instance. He has about as much impact on the Premier League as a Roy Keane signing, but has finally made some headlines today. The ex-Barcelona player was photographed in the process of falling to the floor, throwing up and being bundled into a cab.

Without the festive spirit of the Christmas party, how else would footballers be photographed in this state, get mugged or be accused of rape?

Spotted on 101GreatGoals

A guide to the coming season for Real’s players

1. Baby food
Once Ramos gets his nutritional regime in force he is sure to welcome Antonio ‘Dr Baby Food’ Escribano to his backroom staff to feed Real’s players on his mushed up vegetables and vitamins. Shame Ronaldo isn’t back at the Bernabeu to feel the benefit.

2. Trying out new positions
As we jested this morning, Ramos’ tactics had some Spurs fans scratching their heads. Don’t be surprised to see Rafael Van Der Vaart moonlighting at left-back or Guti as goalie.

3. Double Ramos pranks
Real’s jokers will be able to wait until Juande and Sergio are side-by-side, shout “Ramos”, and wait for the double-barrel “Si”.

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Have yourself a holy yellow card

Steven Pienaar showed that he shares Kaka’s religious views if not quite his footballing prowess by celebrating his winning goal against Tottenham yesterday in a ‘God Is Great’ vest. Kaka famously celebrated winning the Champions League in an ‘I Belong To Jesus’ t-shirt.

We are making the big assumption that Pienaar wasn’t simply trying to impress the Evertonians and it did not say ‘But Big Dunc Is The Greatest’ on the back! We can also assume that God is sponsored by Umbro, God is now commissioning the Everton kitman to spread the word, and that Steve Bennett is going straight to hell for persecuting Pienaar with a yellow card!

Big Fumbling Gomes

Spotted on the weekly cauldron of schoolboy jokes that is the Guardian Gallery.